6th September 2017.
So, today hasn’t been the most productive or lively. It’s my time of the month, and so I already feel lethargic, bloated and a bit sorry for myself. But how do you find the motivation to do things when the black dog raises its head and takes over? Despite being diagnosed with depression for over a year and displaying symptoms for longer, it’s a question I’m still not really sure of the answer to. My sleeping pattern isn’t the best, I slept during the afternoon and can’t bring myself to get out of the house or to even get dressed. Perhaps if I had a friend I would feel more of an incentive to get out and do things, but right now I’m just a lone wolf with my thoughts.
I suppose that’s the thing with loneliness, and being a lone wolf. When you feel you have nobody you feel comfortable opening up to, all you can hear is your own voice, your own perspective, your own thougths. Thoughts which are self-destructive, and the day just becomes a vicious cycle. There are a lot of really positive and constructive posts on word press about helping yourself when you’re depressed which is great, but when you’re in the midst of this black hole, it’s so hard to even find the motivation or even willpower to try any of those options.
One thing that I have started doing, which I would encourage others in a similar position to do, is contact Samaritans. I know that at this point I’m not bad enough to get over the anxiety of making a phonecall, and practically text isn’t an option fo me now, and so I’ve been emailing them. I’ve tried to overlook the fact that their emails haven’t always been the most helpful and focus on the fact that they are simply there for me, and are providing me with a platform to express myself. I’m a samaritans volunteer myself and so have been able to see both worlds, which is quite interesting although that’s for another post! I’m currently listening to a radio 4 programme about mental health language – it’s nice to be reminded that there are people out there that recognises the stigma and normalisation of words like “retard” and “nutter”.
I suppose another option when feeling like this is a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy option known as behavioural activation. It ultimately avoids relying on motivation to drive you to behave, but it’s simply about doing. Acting. Regardless of how you feel. So I feel rubbish, but I’m going to go the gym anyway. I’ve been thinking about this option for a few days now but I just keep avoiding everything. So frustrating! I equally know how rewarding I’ve found exercising in the past, so maybe today is the day where I get back in to the swing of it.
I’ll stop waffling now – but regardless of how bad it is, it’s important to remember that there is always hope.