9th September 2017.
I was wondering today what to write about, and then I realised that I was thinking more about how to impress and make myself noticed and not going with my heart. My heart is simply telling me to write about how I feel, and how my day has been, so I’m going to continue with my diary entries. So here we go.
The title summarises how today has been for me. A whirlwind of emotion. Sadness, emptiness, fed up, neutral, meh, uplifted, worried, scared, the list goes on. I woke up and felt instantly sad. There has been something on my mind that has triggered me recently – I’ve met someone new and feel incredibly insecure about it, and it’s got to the point where I feel dissatisfied with who I am. I wish I wasn’t as clingy, needy, vulnerable. I wish I was someone else, and to be dissatisfied with who you are as a person is..horrible. I opened up slightly to my mum, and I’ll never forget seeing the change in her. She came in to see me in the morning smiling, laughing and joking, and left picking her nails, eyes widened, sighing heavily. I couldn’t shake the feeling that this is what I do to people. You’re encouraged to open up to those close to you, but when you do, you impact on them. You create pain in them.
It was at that point that I felt a desire to leave the house. I had to get out. And it was the right thing to do. I went for a walk before it started to rain and then went for a coffee. One thing I have noticed is that sitting in a cafe grounds me. It makes me feel more normal, more like I blend in to a background and don’t stick out abnormally. It made me feel less low, and I emailed Samaritans again about how I was feeling and posted on a mental health forum called Elefriends. It’s organised under the mental health charity Mind, and people essentially come together and post how they’re feeling and support each other. It’s very welcoming and heavily moderated, and so I really would encourage anyone who is struggling out there to take a look at it. I decided to log my mood down with an app which I have been doing for a few days now, and my emotions change very quickly and frequently throughout the day. At that point I felt more neutral and fed up, but less low than I was in the morning.
I volunteered at Samaritans today, and so walked there shortly after my coffee. I love latte’s. That’s another thing – they seem to cheer me up sometimes. My shift went well, I responded to texts, phonecalls and spoke to somebody who visited the branch in person. I feel like when I volunteer, I present the best version of myself, and it tends to be strangers who see the best in me. It’s a shame that I feel I can’t show that part of me to those who I care about – I feel like all they see is vulnerability and not me on top form. I felt distracted, and more grounded like I did in the cafe earlier today. I felt as though I was more stable, and that I’m more able to distract myself from my mind, and nobody knows what’s actually going on inside my crazy head.
Here comes the biggest change in emotion today – at the end of my shift. I left and as soon as I closed the door and started walking to the bus stop, I felt this awful sense of dread. I’m returning back home, where I know I’ll be sad. Evenings and nights are the hardest for me at the moment, and I’m currently in a bad pit of depression. I went to see my mum and she looked ill – I’d given her a headache, and I realised again that my emotions had transferred on to her. Today has reminded me of how much of a whirlwind emotions are, and how quickly and how often they can change. Drastically, too. But one thing that has helped recently is writing. Writing this blog has helped me, writing to strangers on elefriends has helped, writing to Samaritans has helped. There’s a whole online world of caring people out there, and despite everything that is wrong in life it is important that we remind ourselves of that.
Oh dear, what a lengthy post. Thanks in advance for those of you who read this, it’s a privilege to be acknowledged. It would be nice to hear from others how they cope with depression, I would appreciate that.
Bye for now.
I’m sorry you feel so bad at the moment, especially at nights. I actually seem to get better at nights whereas during the day I feel like I’m doing something wrong, like I’m meant to be doing more with my day but I’m being stopped by my anxiety. I went out around my local area with my boyfriend a few days ago and while he helps ground me, I was still jumping at the littlest things. I bought some clothes and my hands were shaking as I handed over the money. I also know what you mean about bringing other people down. I feel sometimes like I’m in a loop of being away from people and needy, so I want to be around them but then feel like I’m annoying them or making trouble for them as they need to go out of their way for me. And yeh, the Elefriends site is great. I’m from there too.
I get that all the time, when you feel like you should be doing more and your anxiety is holding you back, and making you feel guilty for not doing more.
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