8th October 2017
I come on wordpress, and I see so many wonderful, positive, upbeat posts. And I’m a part of that. We encourage others to try exercise, to do more of this, to start that, to practice self-care and love ourselves for who we are. It’s great – but what about when the reality of depression really hits us? The world looks so different. I think it’s important to connect with this, and accept the fact that actually, we can’t always strive for these things successfully, and sometimes we do mope around and get swallowed up by the black dog.
I experienced a horrible bout of depression the other day. I was fine during the morning – I had uni and even sat with another girl and we were chatting the whole morning. I was looking forward to going home for the weekend, but throughout the afternoon I started deteriorating. I felt irritable. Moody. Headachy. Sad. Teary. I cried on the coach, I was dwelling on the people I’ve lost and will inevitably lose in the future. I realised that I was going home but didn’t want to be in anybody’s company. I’m not writing this to be negative – I’m writing this to be honest about the reality of our mental health sometimes.
The only people there for me were my parents, but both of them were helpless. They didn’t know what to do or say. I couldn’t decide what helped me at the time – crying didn’t help, sitting with my mum didn’t help, nothing was helping. It was truly awful, and I hadn’t felt that bad in a while. I couldn’t find the words to express how I was feeling for hours and so couldn’t call the Samaritans – I just did not know what I wanted, and I was desparate. I cried to my mum and said that I have nobody on my contact list who I can reach out to, and who will be there for me. It was at that point that I realised – everyone leads their own lives, which is their priority (rightly so). We’re encouraged to reach out, yet that acquaintance is busy with their kids and family, that person is out on a night out and went to sleep when they got in, bla bla bla. People are there for you when it’s best and most convenient for them. That’s how I felt, and I do still feel bitter. When depression hits you, it’s like the world stops. You demand something from someone, you need someone to be there, but the world doesn’t stop for you – everyone carries on and doesn’t truly understand how much you’re hurting because they’re not in your shoes.
That evening has effected my weekend – I haven’t had any motivation and so have neglected my uni studies for the weekend. I haven’t been to the gym, I haven’t made entries in my food diary. The one thing I have turned to was yoga, which has always been there for me. When you feel like this, it doesn’t matter how many blog posts you read about positivity and self-care. In my experience, there are times when nothing has an effect on you, you feel this nothingness but equal sense of desparation for something to work and help you.
We should accept that we can’t look through rose tinted glasses at life – it’s a shame, but the past few days have reminded me of the harsh realities of depression. When you need people, they can’t always be there for you, people feel helpless, you feel powerless, you don’t feel in control.
But things can get better. When you experience this, it isn’t permanent. Remember “this too shall pass”. I don’t feel as bad today – I feel alright. But please, lets look out for each other.