15th October 2017
If it’s not already obvious, I’m a single pringle. There’s nothing necessarily wrong (or right) about being single, it’s different for everybody, but I’m nevertheless curious about the impact of whether we are in a relationship or not, on our wellbeing. Is there a right time to be in a relationship? Are there parts in life that are best to be single in? I thought I’d express how it has been for me, to be single, and how that has sometimes caused me difficulty, or contentment.
Of course, loneliness can be relieved through other means such as talking to family, friends, acquaintances, pets etc. But for me there are many things about a relationship that is unique, and makes me feel wanted and like I belong. I’m young, and I’ve only been in one proper relationship (which was awful, may I add), but there have been people I’ve seen during the past few years and in many ways I think both are similar. You have that person to do things with, to send a text to, to call, to be there for you when you’re struggling. I have this awful habit when I feel particularly vulnerable and low, where I end up desparately reaching out to people who I would never otherwise talk to because I just need someone’s response. Also, having anxiety and depression, I would really benefit from some affection and a listening ear from someone who cares about me and loves me. I’m not saying this to mope about my lonely existence, it’s just an observation of how different life can be without a partner.
Less pressured, no added intensities.
Despite how lonely it can be, it doesn’t go unnoticed by me that I’m more relaxed generally when single, compared to when there’s someone in my life I’m interested in romantically. The intensity has a lot to do with me – I’m very insecure, needy and anxious in relationships and with guys, and so despite the benefits it may bring I do find it generally hard to cope with. I’m currently stressing over my final year at uni and the last thing I need right now is worrying about why that guy hasn’t replied to my message, or why I feel he’s never there for me when I need his support. Asides from this, there is something very intense about committing to somebody. And that can be really scary. It’s a catch 22 in the sense that I crave company, and love, and affection, yet being responsible for someone else’s happiness or just putting a label on something can be really daunting and overwhelming. Mostly for me because of the fear of abandonment.
Irregular sex life
I have quite a high sex drive, and also really value affection and the human touch with the right person. For me it would be a dream to be with someone and be able to easily have regular sex, and to spend time understanding each other’s needs and what satisfies them. Being both single, and socially anxious, it isn’t easy to satisfy my sexual frustration. Despite the stigma attached to finding people online it is something I have done and I have benefited from it at times, but it can actually be quite difficult to find that person you feel a chemistry with who you really fancy.
I can be selfish.
I suppose there’s an element of compromise, and give and take, in relationships. Given my anxiety I worry about pressures to go out to places I’m not comfortable with, or pressures to meet his social circle of friends which is something I’m not used to at all. If I don’t do these things, how will I come across? Will that make me selfish and stubborn? Boring? It would be good to have a challenge, but within a relationship it’s a lot more intense. Being single, I can put myself first, and not feel guilty about it. I can focus on my assignments at uni, my down time, my own things, without the interference of anything else.
These are things that come to mind, and it’s by no means a comprehensive “list” or full account. But I thought it would be something worth thinking about. Does your relationship aid your wellbeing? Does being single feel like enough, or is it just right?
This is a very interesting post.
I had been with Himself when I was in my early 20s and when my anxiety got too much for me to handle I ended it. Not for wont of not loving him, more because I needed to be by myself and learn how to cope by myself. I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore, so being single was the best way to get to know who I really was.
Now though, some 8 years later, being back with Himself is such a blessing. It is lovely to have someone to hold you and reassure you when you are anxious or wildly upset, and it is amazing to have someone who simply gets you, but I do feel that my single years were my most important years in terms of personal development.
You do you, and everything will fall into place when you are truly ready and able. xx
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Thanks for sharing your experience :). That is an interesting point about personal development, and I suppose something for me to think about.
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