6th November 2017
It’s like a physical pain. Your heart literally hurts from all of the emotions you’re having. Head roaring with pain, restlessness, calling out only to hear silence.
Loneliness hurts. I sit and look at people around me, conversing, laughing and moaning about trivial nonsense – yet all I can think about is how alone I feel. I had to go, I couldn’t face it. Despite putting on a full face of makeup and one of my favourite tops, not long after sitting down I got my things together and walked out. I had to go home. I had to retain some dignity. I walked in to my bedroom and tried to hold it in as though nothing was wrong. Tears streaming, I got a wipe and removed the concealment, all the makeup comes off and the reality of how I feel shows itself as I’m looking in the mirror. I took my clothes off and replaced them with my baggy pyjamas and hid my face in my hands as I caved over on the toilet seat. My heart started to hurt and I felt weighed down by my own pain – I’m always the one left with the hurt.
I crawled in to bed, head roaring. Tears wouldn’t stop, frantically looking at my phone every few seconds in hope of a green light to remind me I wasn’t completely alone. I cried for hours. I started to think about suicide. I wanted it to end. There’s nothing like the pain of realising how alone you are. No matter how many people are in this world, I still sit on my own, and realise how completely alone I am. No-one can help, no-one can relieve the pain, no-one can make things easier. I eventually started to feel sick, my head was screaming, I couldn’t keep my eyes open fully. I walked around and felt as though I was carrying twice my own body weight, and I needed water. I sobbed more, and I started to think.
The ending is always the same. Loneliness. Abandonment. The world goes on, they walk away, they carry on living, and I’m left with the damage. Promises are made, reassurances given, only to mean nothing after a while. I realise how I’m just never seen as important enough to people. I’m always that one that’s easy to just reject and let go of. I’m the one that isn’t worthy of a chance, of time, of company. Disappearing out of thin air or beginning to make the polite excuses, thinking that it’s somehow better to keep the truth from me and that I’m stupid so I wouldn’t know anyway.
People don’t realise the damage they leave behind. How much words and actions hurt. I’m so responsible for my own pain – I somehow keep pursuing things that always lead to the same outcome. After about 3 hours I started to calm down – by then I was tired, I was functioning. I felt empty. But now the feeling is coming back. This time it’s more of a dull ache. A sadness. A realisation that in the end I’m always alone. As I’m typing the tears are back, falling down my cheek reminding me of how much my heart hurts. I start to wonder what it is I’m fighting for. What exactly the point is in being here. The only point is to prevent the suffering of the very few people that care about me. But what about me?
I don’t want to be alone.