7th November 2017
This morning I woke up feeling fed up. I looked (and still look) like hell, heavy bags and swollen eyelids from crying so much. But I had to get myself together – I had an appointment with my dissertation supervisor. It went well and clarified a lot, and it helped me to feel more grounded and purposeful. I came home and picked up my parcel – some new shoes. It was a bit of a pick me up considering how I was feeling, not to mention the latte I brought on the way home. Sometimes it’s the little things in life that help you to keep going when things are tough.
I tend to be my most productive during the morning and afternoon. I felt alright, I even laughed a few times despite being on my own and not talking to anyone. I’d made progress with some of my work, but the feelings are now starting to creep in. It’s the evening, and all I can hear is horrible and ugly thoughts putting me down and making me feel as though I don’t want to be here anymore.
Evenings are so hard at the moment. I’m bored and demotivated, I’m more likely to overthink, and there’s not really anything to do. I think about the things that are worrying me, and I tell myself all of the possible worst case scenarios – feeling alone feels inevitable, no matter who I meet and how lovely they seem. I feel desparate, I feel as though I need heaps of validation and reassurance, I feel needy and I need a response from someone. I need someone to listen to me. But no one can provide that – it’s unrealistic. So I feel embittered, resentful, disgusted with myself. I hate myself. I feel unloveable.
People tell me they’re there for me, but all I feel in response to that is sadness, and emptiness. I feel like there’s a hole in my heart. I feel like I can’t respond in normal ways, I can’t just be at ease and text someone and feel relaxed, I can’t feel better when I go on support forums and express how I feel, anything they say makes no difference, I don’t feel much better by writing. I can’t just meet up with someone and feel relaxed – I just go home and feel anxious and alone again. It’s as though I have to keep people at bay, don’t let people get close to me, but I always end up giving in and then get hurt in some way. I don’t know why I’m so hopeless. I’m a mess.