23rd December 2017
I’m back at home for Christmas and it’s great, as always, to be away from Uni and my accommodation. I didn’t feel in the spirit at all when I was at Uni, even from eating mince pies and cream and listening to christmas music. Coming home has made me realise that being around people who love you is what makes christmas that more magical.
I love the music, the excitement and anticipation, the food! Oh god.. the food! I always spend christmas day at home with my mum, dad and sister and it’s really intimate and fun, there’s just a very warm and happy atmosphere in the room which gives me a nice distraction from my mental health problems and everything that’s bothering me. But at the same time, it can be hard to enjoy christmas.
I hate the social gatherings, the expectations to be happy, the way that it’s frowned upon to be unhappy. There are so many people out there who are isolated, who are mentally unwell, who aren’t looking forward to christmas and can’t wait for it to be over. I’m struggling to completely embrace the christmas spirit because I have exams in January, and it’s always in the back of my mind. I never feel like I’m doing enough. I have to write 4 answers for one exam, 15 minutes each, in one hour, and it feels impossible to get all the information down in time. For the other one, the topics bore me to death, and I struggle to stay motivated revising them. I’ve also noticed that being at home has made me more reluctant to revise – I have done stuff, I wrote up 3 answers this morning for my exam, but if anything, it’s made me realise how long and detailed my answers are which makes it even more stressful.
As I said before, I really struggle with the social aspect of Christmas. My auntie usually has everyone round on boxing day and she is doing a meal tonight, but I’m not going to either of them. I’d be anxious the whole time, and I feel uncomfortable when I’m expected to be excited to see people I never see anyway. I really value my immediate family but with anybody else I really struggle and it’s just one massive trigger.
On the other hand, I do love the present giving and receiving. That has always been the really fun part for me, on christmas day, especially as a young child. But I like reconnecting with that inner child, there’s no shame in it!
Christmas can be lonely, in the sense that I don’t have people to go out and enjoy my christmas with other than my close family members. I don’t have a social group – I have a best friend but he’s back where I am for uni and although we’re meeting up soon, it’s not like I can spontaneously meet up with him.
I’m going for breakfast with my mum and sister tomorrow morning, although I am nervous about visiting my grandparents first – I haven’t seen them in a while and I don’t like the attention being on me. I never see them so I always feel anxious being around them and I can’t fully be myself, but atleast I won’t be alone.
Merry christmas everyone, and I hope everyone finds something that makes them happy.