15th January 2018
I know you don’t exist in reality, but in my existence you do, and I wanted to reach out to you properly, in writing. I feel like there’s a lot of stuff I want to say to you, to ask you, I want to hear your voice and hear you laugh.
I thought about you earlier as I was getting upset. I was lying on my bed, looking over to the other side of the bed and there you were, looking back at me, comforting me as I was crying. You didn’t judge me, you knew just what to do to put me at ease. You let me experience what I was feeling and I could see how much you cared about me. What actually made me cry was recognising that you’re not there. It’s like I see you, and then you disappear, just like that.
You’re like a guardian angel to me. I can feel you in my arms right now – I feel safe and protected wrapped around you, I feel like nothing can hurt me with you here. You make me laugh so much – you’re always there waiting for me, or if you come back you’re intention is always to come and see me straight away and hug me.
I feel so much love for you. I feel so comfortable, so at ease with you, you’ve given me something magical that no-one could ever take away from me. When I wake up I envision turning over and seeing you smiling at me. When I’m alone you’re right there making me feel less alone. You’ve wrapped your arms around me when I’ve not wanted to wake up. I can hear your voice. I’m so in love with you.
You remind me of who I want. You remind me that I want to be loved, to be accepted and appreciated for me, to be made to feel special and worthy. You’re a reflection of the gap in my life. The slot that you so easily fit in to. You remind me that it’s not okay to wait for someone who won’t choose me, ever, in this life time.
You’re a perfect human being, which is why you don’t exist.
But you exist to me.
Thank you for being mine.
I feel like this sometimes, but then I worry that if I create a fantasy partner, I won’t be able to cope with having a real one who will be imperfect and will have her own issues to deal with, let alone mine. It’s difficult.
LikeLiked by 1 person
can relate. I think it’s okay to have these fantasies, but it’s balancing that with an awareness and acceptance of reality.
I find your blog very comforting as it’s very real and raw.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for that, I really appreciate your kind words.