4th April 2018
I feel guilty sometimes for wanting to be alone. Even when I’m alone in my room back at home with my parents, I feel as though I’m letting them down by not spending time with them, particularly my dad who always seems to want to be in somebody’s company. For the first time in probably ever, I came back to my university accommodation a few days ago and felt a sense of relief. It was at that point I realised how hard I’d found it being home, around other people. My sister visited and she often brings her partner round – there’s nothing wrong with doing that but it is sudden changes and having to adjust to having people in the house I’m not used to (including my sister) that is really hard for me and makes me anxious. Especially if I’m feeling low and anxious and just want to be alone.
For me it’s always about balance. If I spend too long on my own, I become extremely lonely, often depressed, and crave company or somebody to talk to and confide in. If I spend time around people, it drains my energy and I have to then balance it out with space. Now I’ve been back at my accommodation since Sunday and after seeing my friend I haven’t seen or spoken to anybody in person and although it doesn’t feel too bad at the moment, it will be triggering me soon enough.
In a few months I’ll no longer have the comfort of my own space at Uni. I’ll be returning home to my parents, my home. There are many positives to that, but not having space, free from distraction, free from people, free from the guilt of spending time alone, is really really hard for me. I’m scared about that, but I’m hoping with my degree over and the pressure of that gone, it may alleviate some of the pressure to spend time on my own.
I’ve been alone today, doing bits of work on and off, and have hit my mat to exercise/do yoga about 3 times throughout the day and it has paid off. Gone were the days that I carelessly and mindlessly tried to push through the day without the self-respect or self-love, the recognition that it’s ok to have a break and just focus on me. I almost feel as though I’ve been hibernating and I’ve been in a retreat, but it feels positive. It feels valuable. To have space to think, to clear my head, to consider things and make decisions. Away from additional stressors or triggers. Next week I go back to uni, but I’m learning that the one thing that impedes my happiness is that I look ahead too much, and worry about the future. So much so that I forget to live. I forget to be present.
Why, as a society, are we so forward thinking and focused on goals? What about the here and now?
So if I take anything away from this post, it’s that I (as well as you all) deserve space, and that life isn’t all about opportunity and what comes next. It’s okay to be present, lets embrace the present.