Diary: Rejection, loneliness, depression.

2nd October 2018

I feel as though I’m in a really difficult time in my life.  I finished Uni this year, I finished a summer internship a few weeks ago, and I don’t know what to do with myself. With each day that goes by, I feel increasingly low, in limbo, and have this dread that life will always be this way. Every day spent on my own is a reminder of my loneliness. A reminder of how much of a social recluse I am. I’m taking steps to try and make change- I’ve been in touch with a few recruitment agencies, I’ve had some rejections regarding placements through a graduate programme I was on a waitlist for. I hate that feeling of there being a perfect opportunity, and having it slip through the net. Over the past few weeks I’ve questioned so much about myself: who even am I? Will I ever be good enough for anybody? What do I really have to offer this world?

Being rejected by an employer, and having a confronting conversation with somebody regarding practicalities of my future with them, both triggered me to think about all the times I’ve felt rejected and alone. I can never just have one bad thing happen and then experience that in isolation- it always opens a can of worms and then I have to go back over all the emotional baggage I have. I don’t handle low mood well, especially when it deteriorates. I end up becoming resentful and bitter towards people, I lie under the covers and mope, I behave as though I’m a useless human being. The pessimism and hate of life and everything in it takes over.

I just don’t know what to do, I feel completely and utterly lost. I need people, but I don’t want to be around them. I crave change. But I don’t know how and if I’ll ever get it.

 

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