22nd January 2019
It’s been a rocky journey since I graduated, and I’ve been up and down. Right now I’m experiencing one of those “rock bottom” moments where it feels like I couldn’t feel worse or more helpless than I am right now.
I don’t have a purpose, or anything that keeps me going. Everything in the world is too confusing or too overwhelming for me to deal with, and I have nobody I can relate to. I did an internship and some of a temporary position, but had to leave the latter recently because the nature of the work was too tedious and isolating and was making me feel rubbish and as though I was wasting away.
I’m having relationship difficulties with somebody that lives miles away from me. I’m battling so many conflicting thoughts- feeling like I have such a strong connection with him that couldn’t possibly be questioned, to feeling inadequate. Feeling overwhelmed with fear or frustration, desparation, happiness, love, and everything in between. Everything is making me question who I am as a person and makes me realise how insignificant an entity I am in the grand scheme of things.
A big thing that keeps coming up is inadequacy. I feel so inadequate and incompetent. I still have to live with my parents, which makes me feel like a child. Every day I spend at home I feel like I’m in a trap, desparately trying to run away. I find myself not wanting to be around people, yet wanting somehow to ease the loneliness I feel inside. I struggle to thrive in a workplace. I feel like I’m being controlled, like I have to abide by all of these rules I don’t agree with, I want to do things my own way and not be constrained. I feel like my every move is significant and is being monitored- being with an agency, them questioning my reliability when I resist phonecalls, when really I’m just in an environment and a world I don’t feel like i can be myself in. The world feels like a relentless, heartless exchange- working in a job that provides zero stimulation or worthwhile use of my time, for money that wouldn’t even bring me any kind of contentment, only a slight lift of anxiety about finance. There’s something about the set up of how we are expected to live our lives that just feels so..cold.
I can’t even be a good partner. I can’t give my parents the consistency they need. I can’t give my sister the evening natter she always wants where she talks my ear off about how stressful her job is.
I don’t know where I belong in the world and what use I am to anyone or anything. I desparately want to find a sense of stability and security but it’s impossible. I’m somehow supposed to know what I want to do with my life- I’m somehow supposed to magically impress people in to giving me a job, a job I probably couldn’t even handle or want in the long term. I want to do a masters this year- but how do I convince people that I’m worthy of doing the course? Why do I constantly have to prove myself to people, and how can I even do that if I don’t believe in myself?
Another common theme is feeling as though I’m letting myself and others down. Or that others are not giving me what I need. A voluntary role that I have dedicated two years of my life to has been taken away from me for the time being because they questioned my ability to stick to my agreed shifts. Their argument is valid, but what about all the hard work I’ve done over the past 2 years, going above and beyond, that has received no recognition what so ever? Until I’m able to secure something else, I’m just a nobody again, fighting for a chance to be accepted on to something to give me a sense of purpose that I may not even be able to cope with.
How have I got to the age of 22 and still have issues with communicating with people? With taking things too personally? With lacking resilience? I do have my strengths and I’m feeling pretty negative at the moment, but I just feel like a hopeless idiot in a fast paced thriving existence. I’m shrinking in to an invisible lump.
My biggest sadness right now is about my relationship. A probable source of frustration and anxiety for both, yet an unquestionable deep connection that makes everything else in my life feel insignificant. Not having the simple pleasures, the consistency and frequency of proximity. A clashing of, yet simulatenous connecting of personalities. Spending the train journey home from seeing him crying and angry at myself at choosing to not appreciate what we have and instead complain, and go home to an unfulfilling and lonely life. Desparately wanting to connect yet knowing that the damage I’ve caused can’t be undone.
I just feel so lost in a world that demands direction and intention. Action.
I just feel alone.