14th June 2019
It’s been a while since I last blogged. It might benefit me to create a more regular routine of blogging so that I have something to be accountable for. I have often decided not to blog because I just don’t know what to say and I don’t feel that I have anything useful to offer.
The past week or so has forced me to come to terms with many things about myself and my life that are problematic and that are sending me further in to a spiral of depression, dissatisfaction and anxiety in my life. I’ve had long periods of time on my own, more than is healthy, and I’ve ended up overthinking and ruminating and generally coming to the realisation that I’m basically a 22 year old loser and there are no excuses for being such a recluse.
I moved somewhere new at the end of April on a placement – I thought it was going relatively well but at my review was informed that it would be terminated and the person I was supporting wanted me gone. There was a lot of miscommunication, lies and misinterpretation but ultimately they had the power to take my new life away from me. It took a lot for me to move somewhere new, into a flat where I didn’t know anybody, and get used to an unfamiliar environment and area I’d never been. So this has really knocked my confidence. The phrase personality clash was used to explain why this had ended, and although I don’t believe I did anything wrong it has made me reflect on what went wrong and why it was that somebody found me so difficult to be around.
Spending long periods of time on my own again, living with my parents, is quite a damage to the ego, and my mood has spiralled. The weather hasn’t helped either with it constantly raining all week. But I just feel like I’m in such a rut. I have no one local to me I can call a friend, that I can go round and spend time with, that I can go out for a drink with. There are local meet ups I have been to before and know I can go to, but the amount of anxiety that I have to endure to get there in the first place is horrendous (especially right now) and I don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe it’s too much right now realistically, but I signed up to a social tonight, but have spent the whole day ruminating about it, and I haven’t been able to get rid of the intense butterfly feeling in my stomach and the feeling that I’m going to have a panic attack. The voices are screaming at me in my head, telling me it’s all my fault that I’m in this situation, that I’m nothing more than an unemployed loser with no friends that can’t build connections with people. Then I cancelled, then the anxiety is replaced with a deep sadness and resentment towards myself and a sense of just being worthless. A complete fuck up. The self depricating thoughts are really weighing me down right now but I don’t know how to get rid of them.
I’ve been pretty emotionally invested in somebody I met online last year, and was told the other day that it is mostly my fault that the relationship didn’t work. We’ve spoken most days for months but I now know that I’m too dependent and attached (to an unhealthy extent) and that the only way to feel like I have more control over things is to distance myself and not talk to him. I know that I have to massively change my approach, and meet people in the proper way and build connections and social skills slowly. It’s also hard because I’m not settled anywhere. I may be placed somewhere else for a new placement in the next few weeks which may last until August, and then I’m moving again after a short stint back at home for my masters course in September. I want (need, in fact) counselling, but I equally know I desperately need a purpose and won’t be able to stick to counselling here if I soon move city again.
I really do know that most of this is my own doing, and it’s a hard thing to come to terms with. I don’t want to use anxiety as an excuse for being a loner for the rest of my life. I think there are some things I am slowly beginning to change. I’m not, generally, as dependent on people to compensate for being lonely anymore. I can recognise that I don’t need to seek solutions from other people, I have those answers myself. I don’t send desperate texts to those close to me anymore begging them to help me. I don’t think I’m as hard on myself, generally, when I don’t go to a meet up. I don’t use dating apps anymore to compensate for a lack of self-respect and a lack of companionship. I now resist initiating online connections and keep it superficial if it ever goes down that route. I’m just struggling to see the positives right now, because my brain is so frazzled and I don’t know how to help myself.
I really hope next week is a better week.