When you want someone, but they don’t want you.

24th November

Initially, it felt like we were on the same page. For a while I felt positive, hopeful..I really thought he wanted me in the way that I wanted him. I felt wanted for the first time, I felt as though even in the difficult circumstances, someone would, for once, fight for me, and would commit to me and have faith that it would work out.

Not long after, my heart was broken, and I wondered how, whenever I have faith, it never turns out well. The outcome has always been the same. I’m alone in my bedroom, realising the truth, and the tears start streaming. He made his excuses and chose the other life. He chose to continue a life that doesn’t make him happy, to save face, to protect people who will always be more important than me. I feel insignificant – I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve been sidelined, and used, and he’s taken a part of me with him.

I spend my evenings crying. I toss back and forth on my bed, I sob, I can’t stop the horrible thoughts. I can’t stop the heartbreak from causing me physical pain. Nothing can distract me from the hurt that he caused me, that I created for myself. All I can think about is how different things could be, if circumstances were different, if he actually wanted me in the way I want him. Since the decision I can’t look at him without feeling upset, and he only gives me brief hugs. He doesn’t smile when he sees me. I don’t know how to cope anymore.

I can’t even find the words. It feels like a stabbing pain in my heart, my stomach. I’ve been left behind and they’ve taken a part of me with them. I’m really, really sad. I feel desparate to get across how it feels but I can’t, I’m just lost for words. It’s frustrating. I feel like I’ve been stepped on. Like I’ve been picked up and chucked in a bin never to be found again.

Things will never be the same again.

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