20th September 2018
It’s been a while since I blogged. I’ve had a mental block for a while and haven’t had any idea of what to write about or what to say. I’ve recently dipped back in to writing diary entries which have been helpful but I wanted to reconnect to doing this somehow. I want this to be more of a diary entry than a post designed to encourage others as it’s what I need the most right now.
The title speaks for itself. It can be quickly challenged by others, myself even. But what about when all of your experiences with people have given you the impression that you’re just not good enough? What about when your own problems, traits, behaviours etc are the problem..things that can’t be changed or you don’t know how to change? This is my reality. It isn’t irrational, it isn’t something I want advice on. It’s my reality- this is how I feel about myself right now.
My relationship with myself has improved over the years. But at times, it’s really hard to reconnect to self-love and a sense of self-worth. When I feel as though it’s my anxiety, my insecurities, my personality that creates a barrier to me and others, makes it feel impossible to connect with others and to feel accepted by them, how am I supposed to feel? How can I possibly feel any incentive to maintain the self-love which just crumbles and feels like a faccade or a box ticking exercise?
I’ve questioned a lot about myself- why it is that people always seem to walk away and give up on me, why I’m always left with this horrible feeling of loneliness. I’ve only ever felt accepted by one person- it was a connection that lasted well over two years. Recently he’s left my life- it is in this time of vulnerability that I thought of him again and recognised that I’ve only ever felt security and trust once.
When you’re vulnerable and need people, it’s hard to reach out to people, when you have no one you feel able to turn to. You end up setting high expectations, relying on people you haven’t build enough of a rapport with, people you haven’t even met in the flesh. I have parents that don’t understand- sometimes you need a particular kind of support and compassion, but it’s just not provided. But when I deteriorate, I don’t have the headspace to recognise their perspective- I just can’t shake the desparation I have to end the pain. I have a difficult relationship with people. I have a need for them, yet a resentment towards them. Dependency, yet disappointment. You just realise that nobody can help you. The feeling of sorrow is temporary and there’s support out there, but they can’t be there for you in that moment.
I feel like a failure. The deterioration feels inevitable. It’s like a dark hole I can’t climb out of no matter how hard I try. I think of who I can console in- a list of very few contacts, none of which stay in contact or ask how I’ve been. I realise my options- reach out and be disappointed, or cope alone, and feel lonely.
It’s easy as an outsider to tell us that it’ll be fine, that you should be kind to yourself, that you should reach out and talk to someone. What if talking doesn’t help? What if the mind is more powerful in talking you out of doing the right thing? What if you’re a loner? What if the people in your life just don’t understand and you’re left feeling exactly the same?
When will I be accepted for who I am? Not made to feel that I’m never good enough?
What if I just don’t like myself?
I don’t understand why I’m like this- I don’t want to be this way. I feel so alone.