1st November 2017
I felt good this morning and for most of the afternoon. And then I watched a programme, and a character died – it was sad and really moving, and for some reason since then I’ve been feeling negative. It made me cry which at the time I acknowledged as a normal response, and to be honest it felt good to not be crying about my own mental health. But it didn’t take long before my mindset changed. For the rest of the day I’ve been having different thoughts, the black dog is rearing its ugly head to bring me down again.
I’ve had negative thoughts about the kind of person I am – the fact that there is always an inevitable moment where I ruin things or am the reason for people turning their back on me. I’m not good enough, I’d bring nothing but misery on people. I’ve had negative thoughts about the future – playing upsetting scenarios in my head and feeling as though they are ultimately going to happen. Pondering on worst case scenarios, with the feeling of certainty that that time will come. And there are times when it feels confusing – I watched a programme about therapy, and the therapist reflected on how if you can’t respect yourself, you invite disrespect to you, and people won’t respect you. They’ll treat you as though you aren’t worthy enough and then leave you behind. It made me think about whether my thought processes aren’t pessimism, but are actually an accurate portrayal of what happens, but for different reasons.
Do I respect myself? I don’t really know how that manifests. I think I often settle when I shouldn’t – I speak to people or have done so in the past that I know I’m too good for, or I shouldn’t be involved with. I’ve let my feelings dictate my behaviours. I do take care of myself in one way or another, but I don’t know how I appear to others. It’s more people I speak to online. It’s the platform where my vulnerability shows, and maybe it turns people away. I don’t even think writing this is helping – I just think it’s confusing me more and sending me down paths I don’t want to reflect on right now.
But then maybe the pessimistic thoughts are a part of who I am. Maybe I just have a neurotic personality and so I’m not destined to be liked by people when that part of me comes to the surface. But how do you distinguish between being mentally unwell, and your personality and your character? I don’t even know, I don’t even know why it matters or why I care. Right now I just feel a bit fed up. The black dog is rearing its head and is sticking itself to me, it won’t let go.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I just want to be clear that pessimism is a product or can be a product of depression, and it never serves us. Why do we hold on to thoughts that don’t serve us and do nothing but bring us down and make us feel rubbish about ourselves? Because of these thoughts all I can think about is worst case scenario, and feeling as though I’m not good enough.
Why do our minds do this to us?