17th October 2017
Tonight is one of those nights, and I know what I was triggered by. It’s my day off at uni. I blogged this morning about my gym visit, and I was feeling positive and enthusiastic. I’ve spent the day alone which is often the case, but I was comfortable with that. I’ve done some bits of work, so it’s been productive. But the problem with days off is that the day feels long, it’s as though something will eventually go wrong. I was triggered this evening when I went to cook dinner.
I live in a flat with two others, who are like best friends and have known each other for two years. Stick them in a flat with a socially anxious loner, what do you think will happen? For the past month or so I’ve been slowly trying to adjust to feeling like an intruder in my own halls of residence. I overhear them giggling and talking and joking all the time, one of them brings people round sometimes and seems so happy, the other one has brought her sister round. I walked in and my flatmates were there with her sister, and they were talking. We said hello which is normal, but I immediately felt insecure. Do I engage? Do I leave them to talk between themselves? They were talking about things that didn’t interest me like fashion and halloween, and I started to realise that for some reason I care about what people think of me. I imagine walking out and them talking about me, I wonder how they describe me to their friends and family members.
I was in there for about half an hour cooking and not one of them made conversation with me, and vice versa. I felt invisible. I do like to be left to my own devices sometimes, but it just felt daunting and disappointing at the same time, I just felt unsettled. Since then I’ve eaten and it’s triggered a horrible feeling of loneliness. I’m in this horrible situation, where I feel anxious about people, making friends, getting attached, losing people, and so it’s like I have to settle for loneliness despite often feeling a desire for company or someone to talk to. I go online, meet people, get hurt, I’m back to square one. But I can never win, because when I meet someone, I get attached, and that brings insecurity, separation anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts sometimes. I feel like I want to be single, but then I have moments like this where I want someone to be there for me, I want someone to talk to. I want someone to care. Of course, there’s other ways to meet people, but what about when anxiety and stress takes over? It puts up a barrier.
I really crave someone to talk to, to text, to have a message from someone to know they’re thinking of me and want to talk to me. Someone to call, to bring round for a chat and a cup of tea. When that is either taken from you, or if you’ve never had that, life is so different. I don’t think people realise what they have sometimes. I’m lonely, yet I’m insecure too, which makes me more lonely. My insecurity has messed things up, more or less, with people.
I can’t win.